I can never accept the fact that I just don’t like some people. It feels narcissistic to judge whether or not I’m going to be open with someone based on the way someone is. Like all people are natured and nurtured in completely different ways and respond to it in completely different ways. Who am I to judge? I don’t know you. So, Why shouldn’t I give you love? When I talk to people about how I want to love absolutely everyone, they’re usually like, “dude mom, you’re a people pleaser. Just let it go.” But, I don’t think I’m a people pleaser. I feel like I just really want the ability to give everyone I meet the same amount of love and care. I want everyone to feel the best they possibly can in every moment. Not because I want to please them or get anything beneficial out of it. But, because everyone deserves to feel their best. All the time no matter what. Maybe its narcissistic to think that they need me to achieve that. Woah mama. People pleaser evolves to savior complex. But, I don’t think I’m trying to “Save” anyone. I just want to hug people with my energy. Open my heart as wide as it can so it pops out of my chest and gives your heart a love-whopping kiss right on the aorta. I tend to feel that way a lot with most people. Naturally I end up loving unconditionally the people around me. But, people are fucking weird. People are swayed into negative mindsets and ways of living that I don’t really understand. And when I feel that from people and find myself not wanting to open myself up to them, it confuses me. It makes me hate the world for making that feeling exist. I tend to think its my fault for not wanting to be around someone. And sort of take the blame for not feeling my best or giving my best to the people I don’t feel the desire to. That’s weird of me lol. I feel like I should just not give a shit. Like, who cares if I don’t feel right when I’m around you. There’s probably a reason. And that reason isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault. But, I feel it, and it’s ok to act on it. I can act on the feelings I have without coming to a complete conclusion about someone else’s character. WOAH! Word, oh my god this is amazing. That’s definitely a crazy lesson. “I can act on the feelings I have without coming to a complete conclusion about someone else’s character.” Cool. I’m specifically talking about yesterday I guess. I went over to my friend’s house. This super nice house in echo park where you can feel the vibrations of my friend’s cute, funny sarcastic ways bounce along the virgin white walls and plant seeds of mischief among them. I love her to death but her friends make me feel a staleness inside my chest. Like all the flowers I have been tending to inside of me aren’t getting enough carbon dioxide or sunlight. And I thought that that feeling was my fault. Like, I experienced an anxiety or was just too tired to want to interact. But, now that I’ve learned this little lesson here, I feel like I just didn’t want to be there and that’s it lol. I don’t need a cause for my feeling. It’s not anyone’s fault at all. That’s just how I felt in the moment and that’s all it is. People are people and so am I. They’re cool. I’m cool. We’re all cool. I just wanted to go because I felt weird. Maybe I won’t next time, maybe I will. That’s up to the moment to decide. Giving in feels nice. I want to listen to Beach House all day.